It was my grandma. She was a strong woman with a huge soul of a soldier and an addiction towards stoicism. I loved her, sometimes hated her, but loved her loved her loved her. She was my big mountain. She taught me to stand proud in the face of whatever came at me. She taught me to work hard and be alone and eat up the hurt. She was my link to the outside world, she was my instructor, my protector, my disinformer.
I was on the train the other day thinking about my whys and wheres and it suddenly dawned on me: all my life I was carrying her pain, without questioning the source of it.
It was so much fun to let it go. I don’t know who I am anymore (again!) but I am definitely more of me and that’s glamorous.
…Over the weekend I attended a media training seminar by one of my favorite people (the web site does not even remotely reflect how cool he is). I had an epitome – it turns out, ever since my teen years I have been avoiding direct language.
I was very much straight-in-your-face as a kid but then there was a boy. I was 15 and he had dark curly hair. He was hung up on metaphors, I loved him, we spent hours on the phone dancing around words, and I volunteered away my eloquence for the sake of being closer to his mind. Being a woman is a slippery path.
And yes I did sit down and catalogue all my past lovers (the memorable ones anyway). I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, so I did a little bit of both.
Cruel people, funny people, I forgive you all. Yes, a lot of you sucked. Some of you were brutal. Most of you paid me back in one-of-a-kind units of art.
I sucked at filtering, caution and holding on to the whip. But you are there, and I am here, and it’s beautiful. So….those of you who have been hanging out in the “unforgiven” bag till this moment, time for you to go. I need room for new things, and I hope to be a better me. God help me. And I swear, there must be people still alive whose blood is as hot as mine. I read about them all the time.
P.S. Yes and I despise “girl-power”, it’s a bunch of shouting. Too many women in one place scares me unless they are lesbians or elders. This is strictly my diary. Besides, I am writing a book – this is a part of my thought process.